AITA for Refusing to Move for Hubby’s Uncertain Career in Academia?
My husband (42M) and I (36F) have been married for just over a year and live in a HCOL city that we both enjoy, with his immediate family close by. My immediate family is on the opposite coast.
We are actively trying to have a baby.I just got a new WFH job that’s a great fit and got me a pay bump to $180k (ultimate goal for me, especially as we’re trying to start a family), but the new job requires me to live in our state.
My husband is a PhD candidate, expecting to finish his program next year. Once he’s done, he wants to teach in his niche area of research. There are not many jobs in his subject, so he’s telling me he’ll need to apply nationwide for jobs next year and we’ll go from there.
EDIT: He also has a JD which he could use, but he made the decision before we met in his late 30s to get a PhD in a different subject.We discussed pre‑marriage that I’m not open to moving unless we’re close to a familial support system, I can transfer my job, and/or we’re earning close to what we’re bringing in now. However, there are only 1 or 2 institutions he could apply to that meet these standards... and who knows if they’ll be hiring when he’s on the job hunt. His other possible employers are in places I’d never consider moving (no nearby family, middle of nowhere, etc.).
We’ve been getting into arguments more often about this, even though we had that pre‑marital discussion I mentioned above; I say I want to purchase a bigger house in our current city to accommodate a growing family, while he’s adamant about waiting until he has job prospects in the next year or so. When I remind him of my standards, he says I don’t support the pursuit of his career in academia.
AITA?
Nah. Anyone saying you are is impractical. You don’t leave a $180K job in your home state to chase a PHD that will return low salary for many years.
ESH. I met my husband as a PhD student, and from the jump, we had conversations about the fact that I would not be remaining in the city in which we lived. No prospects for me there in the job I would ultimately put 10 years training into.
Did you not have this discussion? This seems very 101 to be on the same page about where you’ll be living in a year or two and maybe not get married if not aligned.
Edit: also stop trying to have a baby. This all gets harder once kids are in the picture.
You’re two people on absolutely two different pages. How do you anticipate building a future with this man when you’re not teammates?
Respectfully I don’t see this marriage lasting because 2 years from now one of the 2 of you will have given up their path and that person will inevitably blame the partner that won.
I’m a professor. Over the course of my career, we have lived coast to coast. As far west as Seattle, and as far east as DC.
My wife has been working remotely for about a decade. Luckily, she has been able to keep her same job throughout our moves and has become quite senior in her company over the years.
Here’s what I can say about it. The life of an early‑career academic implies instability, much like the life of a soldier might. Tenure‑track positions are rare enough that you cannot realistically geographically limit yourself too much. You might be able to avoid a particular area, but if you’re picking the exact city you want to land in then that’s frankly unrealistic. You probably couldn’t even pick the time zone you would like to land in.
So, here’s what it comes down to. The life of being married to an academic is challenging. There is a high divorce rate among academics, probably for that reason.
The probability of landing an academic job is so low that you could opt to cross this bridge when you get to it. It is very likely it will never happen anyway.
TL;DR
Two people, one wants a $180k WFH job in their hometown, the other wants to chase a PhD and a niche teaching gig across the country. They’re arguing about houses, babies, and whether academics are a good match for stable careers. Verdict: You might want to consult a marriage therapist, a job coach, and a travel agent.